When You're Mad at Someone On Your Team

Sometimes people let us down.

They said they’d get something done.
They didn’t.

They said they’d have your back in the meeting with the client.
Then, when you needed them, they didn’t.

You’re frustrated.

Maybe you’re mad.

And sometimes? That anger is warranted.
But there’s another version of this worth noticing.

Sometimes anger protects us from something a little more uncomfortable.

They should have known.
Why didn’t they see what needed to happen?
I shouldn’t have to explain this.
I would never have handled it that way.

Except they don’t know everything you know.

They can’t read your mind.

And they may not see what you see.

That doesn’t mean what happened was okay.
It means you have a choice about what happens next.

Because when we’re mad, it’s really easy to start making the other person wrong.

Not just: That didn’t work.
But: You should have known better.

And notice what happens to the dance when you do that.

You stiffen.
They stiffen.
You start gathering evidence for why you’re right.
They start explaining, defending, or pulling away.
Nobody moves very well from there.

Making someone wrong rarely improves the dance.

The counterintuitive move is to stay in partnership without pretending what happened was okay.

You can say:
"I trust you were doing the best you could with what you understood at the time. And what happened didn’t work for me. When you said you’d support me in that meeting, I was counting on that. Can we talk about what happened?”

That’s not letting someone off the hook.

In fact, what comes next may create more accountability.

Give them the opportunity to explain.
To own their impact.
To repair.
To make amends.
To clean up what they helped create.

Because there’s another move leaders make when they’re angry:
Fine. I’ll just take care of it myself.

Before you sigh, take the responsibility back, and clean up the mess yourself, pause.

What does that teach your dance partner?

Instead, try:
“Here’s what didn’t work for me. What do you think needs to happen now?”

You can be disappointed.
You can be angry.
You can be very clear that something wasn’t okay.
You just don’t have to make someone wrong to hold them accountable.

Making them wrong rarely improves the dance.
Giving them the opportunity to make it right just might.

💜 Stacey