Why Do We Put Up With Annoying Behavior for So Long?

There’s probably someone at work whose behavior has been irritating people for years.

“He shoots down every idea.” “She gets defensive about everything.” “He talks over people.” “She’s so negative.”

Everyone knows it. People warn new employees about it. They debrief after meetings about it. They develop strategies for working around it.

Sometimes I wonder: How does a frustrating pattern survive that long?

There are lots of reasons. But here’s one I don’t think we talk about enough:

We know exactly what we don’t like. We’re much less clear about what we need instead.

That distinction matters.

“Stop being so negative.” “Be more collaborative.” “Don’t get defensive.” “Communicate better.”

Those may describe our frustration, but they don’t give the other person much to do differently.

And when we aren’t clear, the other person’s certainty can feel surprisingly powerful.

Imagine someone confidently says in a meeting, “This will never work. We tried it before.”

You disagree. You’re frustrated. But unless you know what you need from them in that moment, you don’t have much to work with. So maybe you argue. Maybe you shut down. Maybe you complain about them afterward.

Or maybe you decide, That’s just how they are.

And the dance continues.

Now imagine responding:

“I want to understand the risks you’re seeing. And I also want us to explore the idea before we decide it won’t work. Give me your two biggest concerns, and then let’s talk about what would have to be different this time.”

Notice what changed.

You didn’t ask them to change their personality. You got clear about how you need them to work with you.

Will they respond beautifully? Maybe. Maybe not.

Clarity isn’t control.

But it gets you out of the frustrating position of waiting for another person to somehow become easier to work with.

So the next time you catch yourself thinking, Why are they like this?, try a different question:

What do I actually need from them when this happens—and have I ever clearly asked for it?

Because knowing what bothers us and knowing what to ask for are two very different skills.

💜Stacey

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