Why Don't They Just Get It?!

"I've tried everything. Nothing works."

I hear some version of this almost every week in coaching.

And usually, the leader can tell me exactly what the other person keeps doing wrong.

But when I ask what they'd like to happen instead?

That's where things get interesting.

Because most of us are much better at describing what we don't want.

"He needs to take more ownership."

"Every time we talk about making a change, she has a reason it won't work."

By the time we're frustrated enough to talk about it, we've usually collected plenty of evidence that the other person is the problem.

Here's what I've noticed: We tend to be incredibly clear about who we think someone is. But we're often much less clear about what we actually need from them.

And that keeps us stuck.

We tolerate. Avoid. Work around. Complain. Occasionally blow up.

Eventually, we decide, That's just how they are.

It's a very human pattern. And one I help leaders change all the time.

Because when we slow down and get curious about what we actually need, something shifts.

"Take more ownership" becomes "I'd like you to bring me a recommendation, not just a problem."

"She always has to poke holes in everyone's ideas" becomes "I want us to explore possibilities together without immediately focusing on why they won't work."

Suddenly, we're no longer talking about someone's personality.

We're talking about something we can actually work on together.

And that's a very different dance.

It doesn't mean the other person will always respond the way we'd like.

But it does mean we're no longer waiting for them to become someone different before things can get better.

💜Stacey

Hey, Leader: How much time and energy are you spending being frustrated with someone? Venting about them? Dreading your next interaction?

Even if you're convinced nothing will change, what do you have to lose by trying a different approach?

The biggest change my clients celebrate? How much less frustrated they feel.